FUNNY QUOTES

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
Yul Brynner


We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
Jean Cocturan

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.
Les Dawson

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
Ogden Nash

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Unknown

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle

Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Steven Weinberg

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous
Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen

This girl rang me up one time, she says “come over, nobody is home”, I went over, no one was home!

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield

Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit.
Will Smith

Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
Unknown

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don’t.
Scott Adams

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

A woman drove me to drink – and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.
Dorothy Parker
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