Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Groucho Marx
A drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Steve Fergosi
How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.
GROUCHO MARX
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Unknown
Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
Robert A. Heinlein
Smile: if you can’t lift the corners, let the middle sag.
Unknown
Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
I don’t have a license to kill. I have learners permit!
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Rita Rudner
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.
Oscar Wilde
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Cher
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
WC Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
Robert Paul
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C.Fields
I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’
Bruce Baum
Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; “Mommy, you need to buy another baby”.
A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong.
Unknown
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Unknown
Man who stands on toilet, gets high on pot!
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.
Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition!
Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes outta their mouth is shit.
I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?
James Roday
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
Unknown
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
H. L. Mencken
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter!
Unknown
Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Unknown
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
G K Chesterton
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Oscar Wilde
If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
Aristotle Onassis
Promises are like babies…Fun to make but hell to deliver.
Unknown
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Unknown
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
Unknown
She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
Mae West
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Unknown
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Thomas Paine
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
Aimee Mullins
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Anonymous
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
Ask no questions. Hear nor lies.
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