FUNNY JOKES 1

3 years old: My mom is the best!
7 years old: Mom I love you!
10 years old: Mom what ever!
17 years old: OMG my mom is so annoying!
25 years old: I wanna go back home!
35 years old: Mom you were right
50 years old: I dont wanna lose my mom!
70 years old: I would give everything to have my mom with me!
------------------------------------------
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
---------------------------------------------------------
Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.
But the gun is like... way over there.
------------------------------------------------------
How are girls and hurricanes alike?
At first they're both wet and crazy, but then they take your house and car.
-------------------------------------------------------The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. My phones calendar goes waay past that.
In a world that doesn't, Droid Does.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I don't always get asked out on a date.
But when I do...
It's on April 1st.
-------------------------------------
Something To Do When You're Bored:
1. Catch a fly.
2. Put it in the freezer.
3. Wait 10 minutes.
4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.
5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.
6. Tie it around the fly.
7. Wait till it wakes up.
BAM! Your very own pet fly
-------------------------------------------------
Boy - (Playing Xbox)
Girl - (Sitting on the bed pouting)
Boy - Whats wrong babe?
Girl - Oh nothing,
Boy - (Turns off Xbox)
Girl - (Girl starts to smile) Why did you stop?
Boy - Because babe... I wanna play Playstation now
Girl - ......... -__-
------------------------------------------------
Funny ways to answer the phone
1) Johns white house,you got the dough, we got the hoe
2) Hello Immigration service, you report em' we deport em
3) Jim's abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em
4) Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it
5) Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it
6) hello children's hospital,you beat em we treat em
7) chucks disposable dildos fuc em suc em and Chuck em
-----------------------------------------------
Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
Son: I was smoking marijuana
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot
--------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "Go with the good news first."
Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."
----------------------------------------------------------
What was Forrest Gump's password?
1Forest1.
---------------------------------------
I woke up this morning to my neighbor mowing his fucking lawn. I was gonna get up and yell at him but I thought, fuck it, he can mow around me.
--------------------------------------------
My daughter woke up this morning and one of her four hamsters had died.
"Dad, I want another one just like it," she said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
So I reached into the cage, pulled out a second hamster and threw it hard against the wall.
-----------------------------------------------------
Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...
So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
--------------------------------------------------
Modern American Currency-
One dollar bill: George Washington
Five dollar bill: Abraham Lincoln
Ten dollar bill: Alexander Hamilton
Twenty dollar bill: Andrew Jackson
Fifty dollar bill: Ulysses S. Grant
One hundred dollar bill: Benjamin Franklin
Food Stamps: Barack Obama
--------------------------------------
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
---------------------------------------------
What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
She doesn't, she eats out
-----------------------------------
First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong... God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.
----------------------------------------
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.
-----------------------------------
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three ho's.
--------------------------------
How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self.
--------------------------------------------
Baby, baby, baby ooh!
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh, thank goodness.
-----------------------------------
Snooki just had her baby. Perfect timing since they've been looking to remake the "Gremlins" movie.
----------------------------------------
Jay-Z has a song for his daughter called glory. Glory spelled backwards is yrolg which means absolutely nothing, but I had you for a second.
----------------------------------------
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.                                                                                                     NEXT PAGE