One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
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An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
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Death or Bongo
These three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."
The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."
The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.
The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.
The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"
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Rodeo Sex
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
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The Pickled Penis
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
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Sex For Food
There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
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Where Babies Come From
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
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The Swedish Student
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
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Poem of Daniel Morgan
This is the tail of Daniel Morgan,
Who had a tiny sexual organ,
It was just one inch when fully reared,
When lying down it disappeared.
It was just by chance they called him Danny,
Half an inch less they?d have called him fanny,
It gave his girlfriends such a shock,
When they put their hands on his tiny cock,
One day Dan read in the daily mail that things called falsies were on sale,
For women who had tiny breasts they wore these things inside their vests,
Now Dan said ?I'm no fool, why can?t I make a big false tool?
So he worked all night to make a shopper,
And he ended up with a great big whopper,
It was twelve inches long and made of plastic,
And would stretch any girls fanny, like elastic,
It really was a lovely job and on the end was a big red knob,
He tied it up with lots of twine and it really did look rather fine,
Lying there beneath his pants,
It looked just like an elephants.
No other guy stood a chance when Dan attended the local dance,
For when the girls danced with our Danny,
His tool kept tickling round their fanny.
The girls began to faint and swoon as Danny waltzed them round the room,
But what a shock they had in stall,
For one night dancing round the hall,
Danny stopped and loudly cursed,
He?d felt the string and strapping burst.
Before he?d reached the nearest seat, his tool was dangling at his feet,
A girl named Silvia made Dan sick for she gave his tool a spiteful kick,
Poor Danny?s screams ran round the hall,
For the string was tied round one of his balls.
Of course by now the band was crackers,
While in the gents Dan bathed his knackers.
So if you?re like poor Daniel Morgan,
And have a tiny sexual organ,
Remember though it?s only wee,
It?s always good enough, just to Pee!!
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Bad Pick Up Line
This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
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Why I Love Her
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
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